Half-Ass

There is a Christian saying, “God never gives us anything we can’t handle.” I believe this to be true and so whenever faced with adversity, I repeat that saying to remind me that I can get thru whatever it is that I am dealing with at the time.

I always thought I would have four kids and now I LOL whenever I think that I could have ever handled four kids. God is good. I mean technically, I have four kids - two of them happen to have four legs and it’s weird that I always wanted three boys and a girl. Hmmmmm.

I think God had other plans for me. I sense he connected me to my hub because I had high aspirations and I was going to need a partner to get me to where I needed to be. Besides being a wife and mother, I wanted to be a successful business woman. To me, success is defined in more ways than money. I imagine success to be able to give to those who need, to start a company that will leave an impact on the country and eventually the world but at the core, success would mean that my family remained my center. That’s not too much to ask for is it?

My mom, who had lived with us in MN for four years, moved back to CA when we moved to Denver. I knew she would be much happier back home. My mom was very easy to live with because she didn’t require much attention at all. However, there would have been a couple of problems if she had continued to live with us: 1. She didn’t like cold weather so even though Colorado is much more mild than Minnesota, it wasn’t Southern CA. Because she didn’t like the cold, she stayed home. I felt guilty watching her sit all day long. Sometimes I also felt resentment because I was busting my butt running around. 2. My mom was hard to talk to because she got offended easily and therefore I was quiet so many times that I should not have been. A combo of guilt and silent frustration weighed heavy on me. My mom doesn’t read my blog so I can say these things freely.

Someone who does read my blog sometimes is Dianne, my hub’s aunt.

I am hesitant to write these next paragraphs because Dianne could take this the wrong way. But my heart is in the right place and so I hope there is no misunderstanding about why I am writing about her.

We moved to Denver without my mom and I instantly felt like a load was taken off my shoulders. I felt that I could be the parent that I wanted to be (without someone constantly watching me) and I could get back on track for my career because I had one less person to worry about. However in February ‘21, I was asked to take care of Dianne. We won’t get into why it happened but my hub was worried that since he’s not able to help with the kids, that this extra responsibility would be too much for me. I understood his point but I wanted to give to the community (part of my definition of success) and it doesn’t make sense to be volunteering at the Boys + Girls Club , United Way and A Precious Child if I can’t even help out family that lives a few exits away from us. The hub saw my point and so I have been doing as much as I can to care for Dianne who lives in a full care facility.

One day, when I was having the toughest time just doing something very basic like maybe dropping off cream or KFC at Dianne’s facility, I became aware that the time I was putting into doing this errand, could have been time that I could have used to spend with my mom when she lived with us. In other words, if I have time to shop weekly for Dianne who asks for things that I cannot get at Target, Whole Foods or Trader Joe’s (which were the only stores I shopped before I started going to Walmart), then I had time to sit long enough to talk with my mom. If I have time to stop at Dianne’s to visit once a week, then I had time to explain to my mom what my Thoughtful Pinch business is all about and why I was always giving thoughtful pinches away. If I have time to attend caregiver meetings once a quarter and write emails to head nurses and take calls regarding medication and behavioral issues, then I had time to watch a show with my mom. You get my drift. I began to feel guilty for sucking as a daughter. I didn’t make time for my mom when she lived with us yet I have been making time for my hub’s aunt. As a niece, I thought I was doing great.

Who knew that I would have time to cook for someone other than my family? Here I’m sautéing beef for vegetable beef soup. Dianne loves my MIL’s recipe and I hope I was able to do it justice.

A couple of weeks ago I became aware that I wasn’t doing great as a niece at all. In fact, I have almost been negligent. I have these pure intentions to advocate for Dianne for things that are brought to my attention but my follow up is horrible! I will start something and never see it thru to completion. I am half-assing it. I was kidding myself if I thought I was this great care-giver and taking care of our family member. This awareness hit me because I got a call from the nutritionist at Dianne’s facility; Dianne is severely underweight. Since I took over, Dianne lost nine pounds and she didn’t have nine pounds to lose. Now I sucked as a caregiver and niece.

My half-ass approach to caring about family has been bothering me a lot lately. There is a lot of family projects (not only physical but spiritual and mental) that I start but haven’t followed thru on. Dianne is one of them. My mom is one of them. My kids and my hub are three more. It’s a very disturbing awareness to know that: I am half-assing the relaunch of my app. I am half-assing my vision of doing huge things in the community. I’m half-assing my role as the GM’s wive. I’m half-assing my self-care - sleeping four hours a day. I’m half-assing meals. I am half-assing birthdays. The list can keep going. It’s very unsettling even though I know that there are A LOT of things that I am doing well.

But here’s when I know that God is good. A few days ago I received a text from Dianne’s friend Annie. She asked if she would be overstepping boundaries if she helped me with Dianne. Y’all God sent me thoughtful pinch. He knew that I couldn’t handle what I had on my plate and sent me Annie. Alleluia! It turns out, that what I lack in caring for Dianne, Annie is great at handling. My newest phrase that I have been using a lot is - Annie and I are “stone-souping it.” Based on the children’s story Stone Soup - putting in what we can do and together making a more effective impact than if we were to make efforts separately.

While I don’t think I’m the only wife, mother, daughter, aunt, sister, businesswoman who feels like we’re half-assing our way thru life, I do think my awareness is a double-edged sword. Good in that I strive to be whole-assing it one day and bad because self-awareness can cause more stress. I think about my mom being a full-time registered pediatric nurse while raising two kids in a different country. She didn’t have the self-awareness to know that she wasn’t there for us. Then I think about the moms who dedicate their lives for the kids. These are the moms who let themselves go - health-wise, physical appearance, marriage, mental health because they revolve around their children. When it’s empty-nest time, the moms have to start living lives all over - career, self-care, finding their space in society again. So there is no magical solution for those of us who feel this half-ass feeling. To have the perfect “balance” is unattainable. Ciara, the music artist, recently told 800 guests at a United Way luncheon that we could have it all. I agree with Rachel Hollis when she says in one of her books that a statement like that can be misleading. If Ciara had followed it up with the caveat that we could do it all with A LOT of support that would have been totally accurate. Layers upon layers of support. Many qualified people stone-souping it so that nothing falls thru the cracks. Because for Ciara, to do all that she can do, there can be no half-assing it.

Pinches,

Barb