Root Cause

On Sunday I found myself yelling at God because l was just trying to get to church.

The day started off early. I prepared the dogs with a walk and breakfast because they would be going to day care. I prepared breakfast for my son who had a hockey game and breakfast for my hub who had an NFL game. On my way to the dog kennel, there was a police car closing off the freeway entrance and this unexpected detour added 5 minutes to a commute that I only allotted for 5 minutes total. I was late picking up my daughter from a sleepover and she wasn’t ready when I got there. We still had to swing by the house to pick up my mom and my son. Finally, the four of us walked into church 20 minutes late.

While I was in the car “mother-f’ing” God about trying to do the right thing by going to church on a busy day, I figured out the root causes of my frustrations. In that moment in time, God was getting the brunt of all the things that were going on behind the scenes: I was mad about our friend Tommy suffering a heart attack - why him God? I was mad about not being able to spend time with the friends who came into town from both MN and UT. I was mad that I was dealing with tickets and field passes. I was mad that I had to go to a game that I didn’t want to go to.

So when I was sitting in my car impatiently waiting for my daughter to get in - I counted to ten and told myself not to tell her that I was mad at her because she wasn’t ready when I came to pick her up. That advice lasted about 5 seconds. I was explaining to her that if the pick up time was at 9am and I didn’t come until 930am, she should have been more than ready to go and she should be mad at me for being late. She began to apologize and I was feeling like an ass because not only did I just yell at God, I was now yelling at my daughter. Through all my hooting and hollering, what was going on became very clear to me. I calmed down and then told my daughter that I was mad at myself for saying Yes to a sleepover even though I knew in my gut that it would come back to bite me in the butt.

This is when the root cause of my frustration was discovered. I said to my daughter that I only said Yes to this sleepover because I wanted to be a mom who gave her daughter whatever she wanted or needed; because I wanted to be a mom who my daughter thought was the best. But I cannot be the best because I cannot do everything well for everyone. Saying Yes means that someone is going to have to make it happen (that’s usually me) and that takes up my time. Mathematically, there are only so many hours in a day and if I’m so busy giving everyone thoughtful pinches - a ride to the mall, coordinating a playdate, being Ticketmaster, volunteering for non-profits, helping out at the school etc. most of the time I am missing the point of what really matters.

{Side story: The other night on date night, I told my hub that I admired his sense of “doing what’s best for himself so that he could be fully there for others”. But I also added, that because he lives this way, I am stuck being the bad guy when it comes to dealing with his family. He thanked me but then said he never asked me to do that. It made me think, what would happen if I didn’t buffer any of his family situations? My guess was that it would be absolutely freeing. This whole time I was interfering because I wanted him to look good when in the end, the only thing that happens is that I look so bad. From that date night forward, I was out. No more diffusing! I’m looking forward to getting that time back.}

Back to the root cause of my extra driving around and saying Yes. It is because I want to be the best wife, mom, friend, daughter, relative. Who doesn’t want to be those things? But I was mad at myself for thinking this mentality is better for everyone involved. Is it better for my marriage that I went behind my hub’s back to get my friend and her family on the field before the game? No. Is it better for my family that I said Yes to three extra people coming to the game so then I had to buy tickets in order for my mom, my son and me to go to the game? No. Is it better for God that I yelled at my daughter because we were late to church? No.

I had clarity at that moment in the car ride with my daughter as we were on our way to pick up the rest of my family to go to church: I create my own drama. God has nothing to do with it. My daughter, my hub, my friends - they have nothing to do with it. The desire to please everyone is a wonderful trait but to the extent that I’m late to everything, I am yelling, I’m stressed when I see people, I am in fight or flight mode 24/7 - that’s not wonderful. I’m finally admitting out loud that my drama is my own damn fault.

Here was another missed opportunity because I did too much on this morning before an away game in LA. Missed the tailgate party. Typical way of living - Fight or Flight 24/7. I barely had time to eat (and drink) before heading into the game. My own damn fault.

Root causes are discoveries that can take years to figure out or sometimes never found at all. Most western medicine is just about giving relief to symptoms instead of investigating the root cause of the problem itself. Antibiotics and vaccines are given to alleviate symptoms, they do NOTHING to fix or prevent anything. I think many patients don’t see the difference nor do they have the desire to find the root cause; they just don’t want to feel pain. I’m not that type of patient. My goal is to fix the problem, not mask the symptoms. It’s only a matter of time that the problem will rear its ugly head again. To me, finding the root cause gives us some control of trying to get rid of the pain permanently.

Mom and Daughter trip to NYC - July/Aug 2022. Me trying hard to be the best mom ever.

Sure my Sunday morning was tough, but I am very glad that I figured out why my daughter and I have had this strain for the last 2 years. The root cause is that I have been trying too hard to be something I’m not - the best mom ever. The solution or remedy is that I need to own that and say No whenever I know that saying Yes will not serve me. It’s not selfish, it is being thoughtful about my relationships, the next steps and the final outcome. I also figured out the real reason why I was late to church. The root cause is that I was trying to take care of the dogs, my son, my hub, my mom (who is here visiting), my daughter. But if I think I’m serving God by serving them, I’m wrong.

Years ago I heard the advice that, “We should only say Yes if and when we mean it.” Well I would say Yes all the time and sincerely mean it. I think the saying should be updated to be very specific. “We should only say Yes if we want to add to instead of subtract from our decency, therefore upholding our true values and beliefs.” By doing this, we could avoid root causes.

Pinches,

Barb