The Journal Entry

Photo credit: @khammell of Intermix Media.

I thought about sharing my journal entry from January 11, 2021 because on that day, I wrote down 51 hurdles that were effecting my life at that time. Some hurdles are deep and personal while others are not a big deal at all. Nonetheless, they are all hurdles. The main reason why I wrote them down in my journal was because I knew that if I saw each hurdle on it’s own line, I would see that each and every one of them was something I could handle. On that particular day, it just so happened that I was experiencing them all at once. Even though I captured the moment in my journal with written words, it has taken me awhile to put those words into context, explaining the mental gymnastics that my brain performed at the beginning of 2021.

There were two circumstances that occurred in my life in January which gave me opportunities to learn things about myself that I never knew existed. And in turn, what I learned about myself gave me the power to know how others feel when they experience similar situations. My empathy has grown exponentially.

I experienced extreme loneliness.

I have always thought of myself as someone stronger than most. When I was pregnant with my first child, women would tell me how hard it was to give birth and be a parent. I thought it was tough for them because they weren’t as strong me. I laugh every time I reminisce about my naiveté. Flash forward to 2021. I felt like I was running the family household decently, just living day to day. Beginning on January 5th, there were so many moving parts happening all around us. Our season had ended a couple of days prior which meant my hub’s door was open for business. I knew there would be an NFL team or two that would come calling for my hub to interview; it’s happened at least nine times in the fourteen years that we have been in MN. This crazy year had so many open GM positions that my hub had to turn away interviews. Besides the interview season being a time for big family decisions and the anxiety of possibly changing locations, the process completely effects me because my hub goes into a zone. The zone consists of him working long hours at his job during the day, then coming home to do research and prepare for interviews. This routine continues for a full week. There had been some years when it had lasted 2 weeks and one time, 18 days. In other words, during these days the hub’s body is home but his mind is somewhere else. Communication is scarce and very calculated in order to be mindful of what he was going thru. On January 11th, all of sudden, I found myself very overwhelmed. We didn’t know it at the time, but it was the day before my hub would take a job for a different NFL team.

I’m not sure if my kids sensed that this was that time of year again or not. If they did, their reaction was to throw more stuff at me as I was already trying to juggle the existing moving parts. As a mother, I wanted to keep their world humming along as if all this interviewing stuff wasn’t happening around them. {Quick side story: we chose not to tell our kids that the hub was interviewing but thanks to technology our son caught an influencer on a You Tube show talking about the hub possibly taking a job with the Lions. I found out that my son knew because he commented that the person they were talking about was his dad.} Regardless if my kids knew what they were doing or not, they were unsettled. Coincidentally, my puppy was in a chewing phase and my mom, who lives with us, was watching everything wondering why I couldn’t control anyone in my family. I felt like I was living in a fishbowl, swimming around and around and being watched.

I wanted to reach out to someone, anyone who could relate to this situation because I knew I would need support. My situation was unique. According to this journal entry on January 11, 2021, there were so many nuances that could paint a deeper picture of what was going on at the moment. I will share that the straw that broke the camel’s back was when I told the kids it was time to film my weekly Thank You Card Thursday video and they both refused. I left to walk the dog and I just started bawling. The hyperventilating kind of crying. I had never felt so alone in my life. Surrounded by many people yet feeling so alone - it was such a terrible feeling. My loneliness wasn’t because I lacked support from friends or family, rather it was because I am usually such a strong person but in this given moment I needed a hug from my mom and/or my hub who were both emotionally unavailable. If I had reached out to any of my local friends, I have no doubt that even during Covid times, they would wear a mask and hug me - they would be there for me in a heartbeat. The bottom line is, I didn’t reach out to anyone. The two who I needed the most were barely able to care of themselves, let alone worry about me. After the long walk, I remember thinking, “It’s all going to be ok. I will get thru this.” However, I had the awareness to know that there are many who don’t make it to the other side of their lonely experiences. This realization showed me that if a “strong” person like me could feel this way, then someone who is not as supported as I am, would have a tougher time overcoming. I now have genuine empathy for those who experience this extreme feeling of loneliness.

I experienced needing to drink in order to numb or “escape”.

Fortunately for me, I woke up on the 12th with a fresh start and I began to feel better immediately. My hub took the job that night and moved to Denver on the 15th. A huge relief came over me because I knew that “interview season” wasn’t going to be part of my life for awhile. Yay! Not only was the opportunity amazing for our family but our new city was a desirable location and do I have to spell out J-o-h-n E-l-w-a-y? Well, even though we never officially came up with a plan, it was always understood that when my hub got a new job, he would go right away. My own plan was to leave him alone to do his thing for the first two months without bothering him. I knew this meant that I would take care of everything else. I was already in control of our family’s day to day (figuring out my son’s sleep issues, catching my daughter lying to me, helping my mother avoid COVID) while adding new responsibilities like finding a new school and getting the house ready to put on the market. I found myself longing for, dreaming about and craving alcohol. Like it would be 2pm and I couldn’t wait to pop open a new bottle of wine. Or I would think about drinking as soon as the day started. The funny thing was, I had to do all the evening driving (no carpool due to Covid) so I wasn’t able to drink for many nights. Even though my mom lives with us, the road conditions were not great for driving (and it was too cold) so I couldn’t have her take my kids to their activities. {A blessing disguised as an obstruction}. I am not sure if that made me crave drinking more but I will tell you, I thought I had a drinking problem even though I wasn’t actually drinking because I was constantly thinking about it. One day, I finally understood why I was going thru that. I had been in charge of so much, every decision I made fell on my shoulders because my hub wasn’t here to help. The reason I thought a drink would help me was because I related drinking to being care-free; to feeling relaxed. The thought of getting the chance to unwind, to not worry about anything more for the day seemed so dreamy. After a few weeks of this “gymnastics” way of thinking, it was refreshing to discover that I’m not an alcoholic. I just wanted to not be in charge for a little bit. So I played some music to transport me to another time in my life and I sang out loud, booked a GNO to look forward to and scheduled in some reading time. It did wonders. This remedy settled my mind and helped me endure days without needing a crutch. After my self awareness, it led me to the realization once again, that there are many who have experiences like this but can’t make it thru without numbing their situation.

Listen, this post is not about me tooting my own horn or “one-upping” anyone who has also gone thru this. Nor is it a “I am woman, hear me roar” post. I shared these two circumstances because whether we have experienced one, both or none, these are the types of situations that are considered either an obstacle or an opportunity. Journaling can help us figure out which way we want to view things as they come our way. For me, seeing my life in ink gives me clarity to know what is happening within me. The habit of journaling is definitely a thoughtful pinch that we can give to ourselves. I don’t journal every day. Not because I think it’s a waste of time or that I don’t have time; I just journal when I feel moved to do so. I could write pages in one sitting and then not open the journal up for months . Or sometimes I write a note every day for weeks. We can define journalling anyway we choose. There is no right or wrong way to maintain a journal. The point is, I am grateful that I came out on the other side of these two defining moments in my life and I will give credit to journaling and the time for reflection. The ripple effect is that now that my eyes are opened, I feel empathy for others who experience these same feelings. My hope is that the gift that I give myself, journaling, empowers me to help others in some way.

Pinches,

Barb