Ghosting
When we were in our twenties, my hub had a term that he would use when he was finished drinking at the bar and wanted to go home. He would say that he was going to the bathroom but slip away without saying goodbye to anyone. He called that move the “Casper.” He made like a friendly ghost and disappeared. In other words, he Caspered.
A couple decades later, “Ghosting” is a well known term thanks to social media and texting. Whenever I hear that someone was “ghosted” I empathize with them. I think of my hub leaving his BFF at a bar waiting for him to return from the bathroom; hoping to keep the party going. I think about the gal who has a huge crush on the guy - everything is going great but without warning, he never returns her texts or calls ever. Heart-breaking!
Here’s a scenario in which ghosting could easily occur:
This summer, when I got to Denver, I wanted to build community with the significant others of the Broncos staff. I was invited to join the coaches’ wives group text chat. Even though I was really flattered, I declined the invitation at first because I thought it would infringe on the space that the coaches’ wives needed to vent and feel safe while doing so. I was assured that the chat was used for logistics and not used for anything negative. So with that, I joined the chat. On game day mornings, I would send a text to the group that contained some positive juju as my thoughtful pinch to them. Then as a follow up, the day after the game, I would send a celebratory or a cheer up text depending on the outcome. I did this for almost all 17 games in our season.
However, this past Sunday was a tough day. It wasn’t just a day after a game loss. The Broncos let the head coach go. This was not an easy decision since my hub has a lot of respect for the head coach and wished that he had more time with him. The NFL is such a big business that unfortunately time was not on our side.
I knew that if I truly wanted to build community, then even at a time like this, especially at a time like this, I needed to send a text to the coaches’ wives right away. Unfortunately, since I am a hockey and ballet mom, it wasn’t until Sunday afternoon that I sent the following text:
“Hi everyone.
Before I get kicked off this text chain (which I should - understandably), I wanted to say a few things that I already reached out to Kathy about. Both George and I have a lot of respect for both Coach and Kathy so this morning was really difficult. I’ve been on teams before where the leadership hides in the corner once the staff has any upheavals and leaves the significant others to fend for themselves. I never felt that was the way to go. Hard conversations suck but they are much better than NO conversations. Minds are reeling and there is uncertainty - this is definitely not the time to feel ghosted on top of all that. Even though there is no perfect script of what is appropriate to say during this time, reaching out is very important to me. Depending on how you look at it, I am a friend for life - so if you didn’t like me before this, then sorry, you’re stuck with me. Please know I’m here, I’m not ghosting anyone. 💙🧡”
I was somewhat surprised at the response to my text because I think no one expected to hear from me; they were really glad that I sent a text. Even though I didn’t include anything inspiring or profound, I spoke from my heart. I just knew that I couldn’t ride off into the sunset or “ghost” anyone who really did so much for our team. Every task that the wife takes care of is important to the coach’s well-being because at the end of the day, their partnership is the only way their family can thrive. If it weren’t for the coaches’ wives holding down the fort, young men would have coaches who were worried about soccer sign ups or license plate renewals instead of mentors who could shape them into professional athletes. Coaches wives should NEVER be ghosted; they are the glue that keeps everything running smoothly.
To further build community, I knew that I needed to take the time to send a text to all of the Broncos personnel significant others. Leaders can never assume that everyone knows what to do in these situations. Since the personnel department doesn’t usually have turnover like coaching staffs do, I thought they should hear from me as well. I sent them the following text:
“Hi all. You’ve heard the news of Fangio. I wanted to make sure to reach out to you.
I’ve been on teams before where the leadership hides in the corner once the staff has any upheavals and leaves the significant others to fend for themselves. I never felt that was the way to go. Hard conversations suck but they are much better than NO conversations. Minds are reeling and there is uncertainty - this is definitely not the time to feel ghosted on top of all that. Even though there is no perfect script of what is appropriate to say during this time, reaching out is very important to me. If you know anyone that is influx right now bc of possible coaching changes, consider reaching out. Don’t take it personally if you don’t hear back from them. Just know, without formally taking notes, we all remember those who reach out when times are tough. It matters. Sending all of you hugs. 🧡💙”
So you can see that the last text was a cut/paste job. However for these recipients, the last part gives the personnel significant others the suggestion to reach out, to think of others and it plants the seed that people remember how we make them feel (thank you Maya Angelou). The responses to my text from the personnel department were also very good and I think it is because many people feel awkward and needed some sort of guidance. Those of us in the NFL know just how big this business is so we may freeze up and not know how to act or fear crossing the line. But I felt assured when the Chief Communications Officer of the Broncos, Patrick Smyth advised, “I just think being human and kind is always the way to go!!! We are all part of the same, small fraternity & family!” Well said Patrick; I agree 100%. Ghosting is NOT the way to go.
Today when multiple texts came thru my cell moments after the announcement of the Vikings firing both their head coach and their GM, there was yet another fork in the road for me - to ghost or not to ghost? My friends were reaching out to me which of course made me feel grateful for their thoughtful pinches. But my mind went straight to my friend, the Viking’s GM’s wife. My reaction at 719am this morning, approximately 7 minutes after the first text (out of 5) came thru telling me the news that her husband was fired, I wrote my friend the following text:
“Holy Shit! I didn’t see that coming! WTF? Call when the dust settles or keep me posted. I’m in shock.”
Ah, so professional and gentle. I probably could have taken five minutes to compose an eloquent text. Instead, since I’ve known her for all 25 years that we’ve been in the NFL and she knows that I wear my emotions on my sleeves, she just needed to know that I “see” her. That’s it. No frills or promises or “I’m sorry” or offering to help or profound wisdom. Just raw me ”seeing” super raw her.
This quote could have been appropriate content for the texts I sent to the wives of the men who were fired but instead I sent “WTF?” It’s practically the same thing.
Ghosting happens and I’m sure there are perfectly good reasons for disappearing. Not everyone is ok with putting ourselves out there when someone is vulnerable. I’m not saying this is a risk-free, easy thoughtful pinch. There are some things to consider. I’m sure we may have reached out before only to get burned or ignored or caught in the cross-fire or misunderstood. But the least of our concerns should be worrying that the person would be mad at us for letting them know that we are thinking of them. If that happens (which would be very rare) that person has bigger fish to fry and I would give them a hall pass.
Pinches,
Barb
