That's Obvi

Photo credit: @khammell of Intermix Media.

I am often asked if we’re supposed to write a thank you card when we receive a thank you gift. In other words, do we say thank you for the thank you? It would seem like a continuous cycle of thanking each other if that was the case. But I think the question is valid. Let’s dive into it together.

Here’s the example: Let’s say a neighbor shoveled snow off your walks and driveway while you were away on vacation. Whether you made an arrangement to pay for this service or not, you brought home a thoughtful pinch from your trip for your neighbor. There are two scenarios:

Scenario #1 - You are paying the neighbor for shoveling while you are away. The pinch that you brought back for them is in addition to the payment for the service; it is a gift.

Scenario #2 - You are not paying the neighbor but instead you are giving the pinch in exchange for their service. The gift is a “one for one.”

Ok, here’s what I think…Even though the gift is thoughtful in both scenarios, we shouldn’t expect a thank you note from the neighbor who shoveled.

The examples above may be obvious - or as my daughter would say, “That’s obvi.” So let’s go further by reviewing the following two situations:

Situation # 1 - You offer a service as your business; like an esthetician. You care for a client regularly, they give you a tip of 15% or more and they verbally thank you after each appointment. At Christmas or on your birthday, this client gives you a gift. Is a thank you note expected from you? I believe so, yes. To me, this gesture is above and beyond the tips that you received from the client after each service. Now reverse the tables. You are the client and a service provider gives you a Christmas gift because they are thanking you for the business. We’re back to the question, do we thank someone for a thank you? No, a thank you note should not be expected in cases like these.

Situation #2 - You made some cookies and you put some in a container to give to your friend as a little gift. After the cookies are eaten up, your friend fills the container with her homemade brownies and returns it back to you as her little gift. Are either of you expected to write a thank you? No.

Now it’s time to compare and contrast…The difference between Scenario #1 above with the neighbor who shoveled and Situation #1 is that we have received gratuity for our service as an esthetician, which is additional income. Since most people tip at least 15%, many do not feel obligated to give gifts to service-based vendors for the holidays. Therefore, a gift in addition to customary tipping is above and beyond and should be formally acknowledged. And when I say formally, I don’t mean gold embossed thank you cards, I just mean, acknowledged properly. Now comparing Scenario #2 with Situation #2, the similarity between them is that there is an exchange of a service and a gift. Both examples are “one for one”. Like the old saying goes, “I’ll scratch your back, if you scratch mine.” Many times, these types of exchanges could involve any or all 5 Love Languages . As long as it is understood that the gratitude will be continuous, flowing back and forth, there is no need to formally thank each other. {Side Tip: When in doubt, remember Scenario #2 or Situation #2 and use as a basic formula for most exchange situations.}

Now we’re rolling! We recognize that there are times to say thank you and there are times when it is not expected. By taking a closer look, we can avoid the trap of sending out unnecessary, obligatory or maybe even forced thank yous. Here are some bonus examples that may come in handy someday:

Example A - As a gesture of thanksgiving and gratitude for all that the teachers do for us, my family gives them a gift for some national holidays that fall within the school year + an end of the year gift. It adds up to a minimum of 7 pinches a year per teacher for a minimum of twenty teachers. I expect ZERO thank you notes. In fact, when we receive a thank you note from a teacher, I am surprised. I’m also worried that I put them in a position to feel the need to write us a thank you note. When do they find time to write thank you notes for Halloween thoughtful pinches? Some may ask, “Shouldn’t the teachers at least acknowledge receiving those little gifts?” I still say no.

Example B - Let’s say I have a friend who is overly grateful. Being moved by one of my gestures and because my friend is thoughtful, she decided to say thank you to me in a big, meaningful way. Her thank you is so amazing that in some ways the value can be perceived equal to or even greater than my original gesture. Should I write a thank you back? I don’t think so. However, it is good for me to acknowledge the effort. Verbally saying thank you, texting, emailing or leaving a voicemail is perfectly fine.

The point of this post was to examine the process of thoughtfulness in terms of thanking someone for thanking us. From the beginning, I should have probably prefaced the post by saying that there is nothing set in stone and/or there is no right or wrong way to be grateful. My hope is that this post, if anything, has brought relief to those who feel like they are supposed to be doing something MORE. Additionally, I think it is a great problem to have if we’re wondering how to be grateful. It means we care and it’s an indication that we want to grow and learn. I think we can all agree that we can never have too many thank yous in the world. If you write a thank you note for receiving a thank you gift, everything is still going to be ok. Saying thank you is rarely a bad thing.

Pinches,

Barb