World Kindness Day

In full disclosure I was trying to decide between writing about National Fast Food Day and World Kindness Day.  Believe it or not, after the 2020 election, I have been super weary about the concept of kindness. Half of America is so filled with hate that it would seem almost too ironic to write about kindness.  Besides, fast food is such a great topic.  The choice was hard.  

World Kindness Day has been celebrated on November 13th every year since 1998 and has spread to over 28 countries.  Nationaldaycalendar.com  also informs us that World Kindness Movement was the founder of this national day.  When I clicked on the link to get to the World Kindness Movement page, that page led me to another link. I read a very interesting article and I instantly knew that writing about World Kindness Day was the right choice. 

This article, called The Difference Between Genuine Kindness and Fake Kindness intrigued me.  The author, Dr. Matt Beard, speaks of Performative Kindness, Manipulative Kindness and Over-sweetness.  I thought I had no idea what this was about until I dove deeper. Sadly, I discovered that I really knew what he was talking about.

1. Performative Kindness - Dr. Beard gives the example of scrolling thru social media and stumbling upon a post from a friend who lost his job or mother. Now that we’ve seen the post, we feel like we can’t “passively consume this person’s pain” and keep scrolling. Naturally, we want to extend some words of consolation so we type in a quick - “I’m sorry. Please let me know if you need anything. “ Then we are free to keep on scrolling and we can feel good that we did our part. When I read this, it made me feel uneasy. Who is this author and what does he expect us to do? I read Dr. Beard’s follow up comment about “propping up our own image” for ourselves and others to see. OUCH! This guy is ruthless. I had to let his words sit with me for awhile.

2. Manipulative Kindness - This kindness is about false kindness. The more we show this type of kindness the less likely anyone is able to believe in genuine interest or kindness. The example Dr. Beard gives has to do with being super nice to an airline agent hoping to get a seat upgrade. He believes that these agents must experience this type of kindness hundreds of times a day and so in the end, it would be hard for them to know when someone is offering real kindness. Hmmmmm. Another gut check. Isn’t my mantra, “You get more bees with honey…”?

3. Over-sweetness - People have the best intentions to be super sweet All. The. Time. But this objective misses the point. According to Dr. Beard, people need to feel validated, seen and respected. We don’t need to make people feel great all the time - agreeing with everything they say or laughing at all their jokes. Those who are the recipients of this type of over-the-top kindness need space to have a bad day. At first I didn’t really relate to this type of non-genuine kindness.

Now I bet you didn’t expect my post to be about ways NOT to be genuinely kind. There is a method to my madness. I wanted to share these types of kindness in order for us to be mindful of how our kindness is perceived and received. By knowing this - being aware - we can strive to extend genuine kindness.

What should we do in these situations instead? Since this blog is about thoughtfulness, here are my thoughts:

Until I read this article, I felt guilty that I don’t offer help often or send sympathy cards right away. However, now I’m feeling a little validated. I’d rather offer help when I know I can truly help or show my sympathy when I’m whole-heartedly ready to do so. For Dr. Beard’s example of performative kindness on social media, we can offer genuine kindness by contacting the person directly with a plan on how we can help them. Most of the time, we rarely take someone up on their offer of help because we are too overwhelmed to know what we need help with. Some thoughtful pinches could include offering to:

• walk the dog

• pick up their kids for carpool or a playdate

• bring in their mail

• water plants

• bring them groceries

• drop off a tater tot hot dish for dinner

• do laundry

• rake leaves/shovel snow

In order to separate ourselves from those who use manipulative kindness, I suggest eye contact. That person who has the power to upgrade our seat or give a free handout or not charge full price might be jaded by all those who use their kindness to get something from them. Look at their eyes when speaking. Eye contact is the biggest clue that we are being genuine. Try it! Be kind and expect nothing. And if something great happens as a result, show gratefulness by paying it forward, sending a note of thanks or writing a great review online and mentioning their name. Feel free to do all of the above!

As for the over-sweetness, it’s time to be intentional. If we are constantly being too sweet, we could rob someone of feeling validated, seen or respected. For example, I went to lunch with a friend two or three months after she unexpectedly lost her husband, who was also her business partner. We sat down at the restaurant and I could sense that it was taking everything she had just to have the small talk conversations. So I just cut to the chase and told her that losing someone sucks and I asked her if it hurt worse because he was also her business partner. I asked her tough questions like what time of the day did she feel the loneliest? Did she have someone to talk to about her sadness? Did she cry in front of the kids? She shared with me that no one else asked her any of these questions - in fact, no one even brought up her loss. I explained that most people have never dealt with death before and they also do not want to make her sad. She shared that it was the first time she talked about these things because everyone just wanted to be nice to her and she didn’t want to burden them with her sadness. I think intentional kindness, in the form of truly being there or giving space, is appreciated.

I hope that World Kindness Day is not going to be a challenge to celebrate this year. First, for those of you who are superstitious, it falls on the ominous Friday the 13th. Second, Covid makes it impossible to be kind with physical gestures like giving a hug, shaking hands or giving a high five. They are little pinches but the kindness can mean so much. And third, with a country divided due to the election, genuine kindness may be difficult to offer when everyone has their guards up. I’m hoping kindness will lead the way in the coming weeks. To pump us up for November 13th, here are some random thoughts about kindness that I’ve learned along the way:

• If we feel secure in our own thoughts and actions, it’s super easy to be kind.

• Kindness can guide us if we let it.

• We should “do” kindness when no one else is looking.

• Kindness isn’t meant to be measured.

• I think being kind 24/7 is a reasonable expectation.

• Kindness is another form of respect, gratitude and thoughtfulness.

• Kindness is both strong and soft all at once.

• Sometimes saying nothing at all is a form of kindness.

• Be kind to yourself so that you can be kind to everyone else.

Facebook and Instagram have been advertising a t-shirt for years. On the front of the t-shirt in block print it says, “In a world where you can be anything, be kind.” What a great reminder.

Pinches,

Barb