Sticky Gift Situations
When I consider writing about a topic for this blog, sometimes I have to check to see if I have already written about it. While I was on the blog ThoughtfulPinch.com, I typed in the keywords “Thank You” and about eight posts came up. The post that I wrote in December 2020 is really good. Yes, I just bragged about my own post. That post is very helpful for those who need a little guidance on writing thank you cards.
But today’s post is about writing thank you cards specifically for gifts that we receive that we will not use or keep. Yes, I am going down this road. I feel like I need to write about this and share my thoughts because people feel paralyzed with the next step and maybe this guidance can help them to take the next step naturally.
I was amazed that Marie Kondo advises us to open all of our gifts and use them. If the gift sparks joy, then keep it, if it doesn’t, then give it away or throw it away. Wow, at first, in my opinion, that advice is pretty ballsy. Marie doesn’t specifically advise us to “re-gift” it - she just says to give it away. My mind is always thinking about re-gifting which makes me NOT want to open it to use and to see if it would spark joy. However, after thinking about it, Marie’s advice is sound. We DO need to think about the thoughtfulness that we just received from someone we like and care about and so using it is worth the try. Therefore, when we write the thank you cards, we are sincere in our words of gratitude. For example, “I tried the soap you made me and it smelled awesome!” - even though we may have sensitivities to scents, we tried the soap and decided to leave the soap in the guest bath or give to our daughter who loves and can tolerate the scent. The point is not to lie or omit the truth, it’s to try everything and keep what makes us happy. That is the sole purpose of why someone wants to give others gifts - to enhance, support or create happiness.
Having said that, there are situations that could be sticky:
Duplicates.
The first time I got this little box of goodness, I was really grateful. My friend Allison sent it to me and I keep it by my bathroom sink to read thru from time to time while I brush my teeth. The second time Allison gave me the box of goodness, I didn’t know what to say. In fact, I still have this on my thank you card list. I plan to let her know that I will most likely re-gift it but I want to also tell her who and why I am giving it to another person when I write the card.
Duplicates are when we already use an item or have one and yet we have been given another one as a gift. Most likely, if we’ve kept the item the first time around, we like it. We either have a re-gift situation or if it’s something we can use when the first one is done, then we can mention it in the card. I know some would rather not mention it and just say thanks but here’s a mind shift: If I learned that I gave something that the person already had but wants to hang onto it for when they could replace it, I would feel better knowing that I still gave them something they wanted and will use/need it in the future. This is positive feedback.
For the situation of receiving a gift that we won’t use because we already have one we love, when we write the thank you card, we have the choice to come clean and say, “Thank you so much for thinking of me. I love this gift! In fact, I have one already and so I will give yours to someone I care about who will love it just as much as I do.” Or “Thank you so much for thinking of me. I love this gift! In fact, I have one already and so I returned yours and got this instead.” It’s not easy to say but it’s much easier than avoiding the conversation about the gift or getting caught lying about it. Even though it’s a little white lie, it makes it hard for people to believe us when we really do appreciate the gift they gave us.
In this situation, the giver gave me the gift receipt along with the book. My friend Rachel had already given me this book for Easter. In July when I received a duplicate (purchased from the same store) along with the gift receipt, I knew that the giver truly wanted me to return it and get something else. I chose to keep the book because I like it a lot and will re-gift it to someone else. Since this copy was given to me as a Thank You, there is no need to write a thank you card. But had it been the case of a bday gift for example, I would do exactly what I am doing about the Gratitude cards. (see photo above)
Allergies/Do Not Eat or Use.
For all the years that I didn’t eat milk or dark chocolate, I received lots of gifts of chocolate. Who doesn’t like chocolate? It’s a safe gift to give and since it’s consumable - most people like to give chocolate as gifts. Chocolate is not something that creates clutter; the giver’s intent is for it to be consumed relatively soon after they give it. During that time when I avoided chocolate, every time I received it, the thought was still very much sweet. I didn’t explain in my thank you cards that I had caffeine issues caused by chocolate. In this case, there were plenty of people around me who helped me “enjoy” the gift. Usually I genuinely thanked someone for being thoughtful and reported how much of it was eaten by the time I wrote the card. I may not have eaten any of it but the giver was glad that their money was put towards happiness.
In this text exchange on Instagram, my niece politely tells me that the candy I sent her for Easter is not good for her but she was thankful for the gift. Wow. She’s only 12 years old and she knows how to prevent further gifts from being re-gifted or put in the trash can. This is positive feedback and I welcome it always!!
Wrong Size/Color/Style
Many times we get gifts that are the wrong size, the wrong color or the style is not something we would ever use or wear. Whether there is a gift receipt or not, we are still grateful that someone made the attempt to make us happy. If there is a gift receipt - be sure to report to the giver that action was taken to make their gift fulfill the goal of being used and enjoyed by us. If there is no gift receipt it can get a little stickier. There are a few choices: 1. ask where they got it so you could exchange it 2. thank them for the gift and let them know that the size was off or the color/style didn’t vibe so you gave it to someone who will use it and love it. 3. You can donate the item and let the giver know that someone in need will benefit because of their kindness. Again, neither choice is easy but keeping it in our closet just because we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings is missing the point that the giver was trying to make.
Totally Clueless Gifts
Then we have the totally clueless gift situations. It’s when the giver is stabbing in the dark and wants to please the receiver but doesn’t know anything about them. Instead of sticking to the completely safe options like: a Starbucks gift card, chocolate, candle and/or soap, the giver gives something so off-base that it’s confusing. This is when there is thought in giving, but no thought in who the receiver is - it’s purely transactional; giving to give. Unless we will actually use the gift, our gratitude is primarily only for the generosity. I remember for Christmas one year someone gave me the book Funny in Farsi - I had no idea why and I never asked her if she mixed up my Filipino nationality with my hub’s ex-girlfriend who was from Afghanistan - but Farsi is Persian - so you could see, I was very confused. Instead, I held onto the book for years until we moved from MPLS to Denver. I thanked her for the book and just chalked it up to being a gift that was transactional. If I had the time to read a book, I probably would not read that book and so it falls under this category. Another example is that someone may learn that I love football and if the person is clueless about football and tries to give me something football related, they could miss the mark. One year, we had been with the Vikings for five years at this point, my BFF sent me a 49ers engraved flask. Her thought was that it was a flask (we were drinking buddies since high school) and it was NFL related. Oh, I see. The sentiment in a thank you card for these situations could be, “Thank you so much for giving me the Raiders poster of Derek Carr. You are right, I am a football fan. I will be sure to put this gift to good use! Your generosity is much appreciated.” And then I pass the gift along to one of my many Raider relatives on my dad’s side of the family and they will think I’m a hero for giving it to them. In these situations, there is no reason to set the record straight by explaining ourselves in a thank you note. They tried, we thank them for being generous and then we re-gift it without saying another word about it. End of story.
You may be thinking why does Barb have to stir the pot and mention any of this? Wouldn’t it be easier if we just write, “Thank you for the gift.”? Yes, we could easily do that and whomever receives the card can go on their merry way and be glad to have contributed to someone else’s happiness. However, I’m in the business of being thoughtful and so this means even in gratitude we need to be thoughtful. The point is to spare someone by giving them feedback. If they get mad about it, just know that you tried to prevent scenarios for missing the mark on future gifts. As long as the feedback is coming from a place of good intentions and we are trying to be a good friend/family member, it will be better in the long run. The generic “thank you” while all these other things are really going on behind it, does nothing for both parties involved. The more positive feedback we can provide, the better it is for both the giver and the receiver. Being thoughtful with our words whenever a sticky situation calls for gratitude, is the best way to prevent a cycle of missed opportunities.
Pinches,
Barb
