Letters

Have you ever written a letter in hopes that the recipient would change some sort of behavior? Or have you written a letter in order to influence something greater than what is in your control? How about a letter to express your feelings? Maybe you’ve written a letter to clarify something that might have been misunderstood. It’s possible that you wrote a letter just to check in with someone, telling them what you’re up to and asking questions about what they’re up to.

We write letters for countless reasons. I’ve said numerous times but it’s worth repeating: writing notes, whether thank you notes, letters bday cards etc, are opportunities to connect with someone. When we write, we slow down in order to put our thoughts on to paper (or type into some sort of device). The main currency we spend in order to write letters is time. We all wish we had more time. Do you remember when we would have to wait weeks for a reply to our letters because we wrote them with pen and paper, placed them in envelopes, attached postage and used the post office to deliver? Well because of modern day technology, we rarely go thru that process. And depending on how you feel about evolution, it is a bummer for some and a relief to others.

Now let me ask, have you ever written a letter to someone and not get a reply or acknowledgement that they received it? I have and it sucks because it makes me feel insignificant and insecure. By not letting me know that they received my letter makes me feel that my words don’t have meaning or that I’m not a person who matters enough for them to acknowledge it.

Recently I wrote a letter to my daughter, my son and my hub. It is the same letter addressed to all three of them. I printed a copy for each and placed it in their rooms. The letter is really long because not only did I want to point out what needed fixing but I also came up with some solutions in case they were too busy to figure out what the next steps were. Within this letter I wrote down two lists; one list for everything I do for my family and the other list was for everything I do for myself. As you can imagine, the list for the family was longer than the list for myself and rightly so, there are three of them and only one me.

Here is an excerpt from my letter:

“The reason I am listing this is not to shame anyone in the family or because I want praise and thanksgiving. I am listing everything so that you will all see that THE LAST THING I NEED IN MY DAY/NIGHT IS A FIGHT WITH A FAMILY MEMBER.  I do not have time for that sh*t. But yet, I end up fighting because I’m exhausted, I feel disrespected, I feel misunderstood and the worse part is - I feel very lonely. I have resorted to pay for help and I will say, I am so grateful. Not only because we can afford it but because I feel like at least someone understands how much I do around here. Sadly, I have to pay for validation.”

Whoa - that is a heavy, heavy paragraph! It puts everything on the table and exposes my vulnerability. But in that paragraph, I feel like I name the problem and even though I don’t spell it out, it’s a cry for their help.

The letter to the family continued. After I listed the hub’s responsibilities, I wrote:

 “As you can see, both parents put in long hours every day. We do different things and our responsibilities are not the same but in the end, our family comes first so I think my job is harder. I don’t want to screw up. I don’t want to let anyone in the family down, especially Dad. He wouldn’t be able to concentrate on his job if he didn’t have confidence in me to do mine. So my pressure is real because I have more to lose than he does. Both of your lives are in my hands 90% of the time. This is not easy but it isn’t impossible. If I ask you to do something after all that I do for you or the family, you can see how I could lose it. I will scream. I will say all kinds of bad words. I will have a tantrum. I will lecture. It’s all because I need your help - I can’t pay someone to be my kids. “

For centuries letters mattered a lot. Back in the day, letters were held onto as treasures and remembrances; a souvenir of moments in time like memoirs. More importantly, the meanings of the letters held great weight in the written words. My mom kept all the letters that I had saved from high school because she thought I would enjoy reading them one day. I am sure I would love to read them if I had the time. These days we’re too busy and we take letters for granted. Case and point, it’s been five days and no one in my family has acknowledged that they even saw the letter or let me know that they have read it. Which brings me to the last paragraph of the letter:

“Now I know all of this is way too much information. I know all of you will not even care that I took the time to write all this down. It makes me sad knowing this. But I feel better now that I have processed this out and I understand why things go sideways whenever we have fights. All I can do now is pray for our family to come together and recognize the dynamics of our family. We are a really wonderful bunch of people. We all have talents and strengths that many people admire. I am proud of each of you and I love you each so much. I will pray that none of this was a waste of time…”

Letters are thoughtful pinches; they are gateways, communication tactics, forms of thought processes etc. When people write letters, whether we agree with what they say or their intentions - the time they took to write down their thoughts, their emotions, their hopes - matters. All of that is a gift and it deserves a response. When we receive a letter, we are given an opportunity to learn, fix, feel, share, rejoice, become provoked, gain empowerment etc. - the least one can do is acknowledge the writer in a way that is appropriate. I’d be bold enough to say that even angry, mean letters are pinches. Those letters can be acknowledged with a simple, reply of “I received your letter. It sounds like you’re mad.” We don’t even have to say, “I’ll get back to you.” or “I’ll think about what you said.” or “I’m letting this cool down.” We don’t have to say anything we don’t mean - especially if we don’t expect to reply back. Nonetheless, we should let the person know that we got the letter.

Are you wondering why I am airing out our dirty laundry with you by sharing my letter? Why would I give you a glimpse into my family life by including the excerpts above? Here’s my PSA for the day: Some of us have tiny holes in our hearts because we keep waiting for acknowledgement of our letters. Please keep that in mind the next time you receive a letter from someone.

Pinches,

Barb