Pinch Links
I am about to admit something very unthoughtful. Up until a week ago, I would judge family members when they would ask me what they should get my kids for their birthdays or Christmas. I have been very narrow-minded in thinking that they didn’t know my kids well enough to have their own gift ideas for them and I felt resentful that they had to ask for help. I felt like they were taking the easy way out; wanting me to give them the answers to the test. I considered this “cheating”. Boy was I dumb for thinking that way!
Not to defend my judgement flaw, but having birthdays in December is tough because our kids get too many things all at once. When someone asks us what they should give them - we say NOTHING! On the other end of the spectrum, when it comes to her kids, my cousin Jay-Jay sends me links, descriptions or examples of what they want. Brilliant! All I have to do is click, pay and ship these items. This is such a great plan because it saves me time, agony and money trying to buy something that I think they might like. Why didn’t I consider this cheating? Isn’t it the same as someone asking me what to get my kids? I had never put the two together. It was perfectly ok for me to get help for Jay-Jay’s kids but not ok for me to give help for my kids. Who did I think I was hurting if I helped? This wasn’t a test in school. There is no harm helping others with gift ideas. In fact, the recipients get what they want and the giver feels good for being able to give it to them. That’s a win-win. Side Note: Now that I mention my cousin Jay-Jay, I blame her for my high expectations of others being as thoughtful. She never asks me what my kids are into or what they like. She somehow knows it and she has given my kids thoughtful gifts every single time without asking for a list! Jay-Jay is an anomaly so let’s not measure ourselves against her amazing gift abilities.
Actually, asking someone what they want is extremely thoughtful. I used to think it reflected poorly on me for having to ask - especially because I write a blog on being thoughtful. Not only did it make me feel bad for not knowing them well enough or feel inadequate for not having my own good ideas, but it also meant that I couldn’t surprise them with a gift. Since I had to ask, they would now be expecting something from me and I prefer to catch people off guard. Nowadays I think it may take away the element of surprise but it doesn’t take away the elements of generosity and kindness.
Here’s another good point. My son loves football. Even if EVERYONE knows this, they can’t possibly know what football related items he already has or what he wants. Another pair of football gloves is just energy, money and time that could have been saved if I shared that my son has plenty of football gloves. If they know my son well, then they know he is picky about which football jerseys he will wear. Needing help in finding the right gift is not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of wanting to get the right gift.
The other week my brother asked me what I wanted for my birthday. Usually I say, “Oh nothing.” But it made me pause. If I could ask for anything, what would I ask for? I have more than everything I need. But that doesn’t help someone who wants to buy me a present. Moreover, it’s especially hard to guess what to give someone if that person already has more than they need.
When we were growing up, I think it was kind of rude to tell someone what we wanted for our birthday. It’s time to change with the times. Just like when I was growing up, selfies were non-existent and considered very vain. Now selfies are a part of life. When it comes to gifts, my daughter creates spreadsheets with links to exactly what she wants. I don’t think of this as selfish, I think of it as being efficient. So I will send my brother links to help him with my birthday gift.
Ok, let’s answer the question for those who genuinely want to get us the right gift. Be sure to give them items within different price points - $5, 10, 20, 40 etc. We can’t assume that they want to get us something big and/or if we only tell them to get us small items, it could possibly offend them. Thoughtful pinches are small gifts but the thought behind them have MORE value than the cost of the gift. Be sure put a few of those on your wish list. If you would rather buy your own gift with a gift card - mention the venues where you like to shop. Here is a list of things that fall within all price points: books, clothes (give shirt, shoe and pant sizes or send links) and coffee shops. Or tell them more about yourself by revealing your favorite foods, actors, colors, plants, hot sauces, hobbies etc. I think a list of 5 things, all different prize ranges, that include any of this type of information will be perfect. The giver will appreciate the help and we end up with something that we actually want or need.
In the end, I’m glad my brother asked me what I wanted for my birthday this year. Not only did it make me think about what I can do to help others who are in this situation, but it also made me reflect on my own insecurities and made me realize that I judged others. I wish that I hadn’t judged people who asked for help but I did and now that I’m aware of it, I will change. Mind shift. I think my new way of viewing people who ask for help with gifts is more in line with what I’m trying to do here: Help people who want to be more thoughtful. Thoughtfulness is not about knowing exactly what to do, it’s about doing what it takes to make someone feel thought of. Sometimes we need links to do this.
Pinches,
Barb
