Rejection

Some of the Cockeysville, MD crew back together again after decades. Left to right: me, Mina, Jay-Jay, Tina, Mimi and Dodi. Thank you Tina for the updates!

I recently spent time with my mom in Arizona because we were both attending a family friend’s event. Not only was it great to see lots of friends and family because I haven’t seen them in years but reminiscing with everyone was precious.  As we looked around to see who might over hear us, it was also a little thrilling to hear the whispered updates about those who were there and those who didn’t come to the party. This celebration was more than I expected and as a bonus, I was able to conduct a little unofficial research for this post.  

Over three hundred people attended this event. Tables upon tables. We were officially Table #7 but we moved to be with friends and left my kids with the grandmothers.

Some background history to explain why I was doing research: my mom lived with my family for four years when we lived in MN.  She moved back to California in July 2021 when my family moved to Denver. While my mom lived with us, she became very close to both of my kids but especially my son. The only “con” of my mom moving back to CA was that my mom and my son would not be as close as they were. I really love the relationship my mom and son have and I prayed that they would remain close. It would require work but together they could do it.  That is the key - IF they worked on it.  

Speaking on behalf of my son, he is not only a kid but he is a male athlete. Both of those factors could impact my son reaching out in order to keep in touch with his grandmother.  As a mother, I walk a fine line between forcing my kids to call their grandmothers or let their relationships run its natural courses. My hope would be that my kids would reach out on their own and have a genuine interest in keeping in touch with our family, particularly with their grandparents. I cringe whenever the conversations are forced and contrived. 

I wish I could speak on behalf of my mom but she doesn’t actively reach out to anyone unless it’s someone’s birthday. However, I have recently come to the conclusion that the reason she doesn’t reach out to us is because she is afraid of rejection. What if she calls and we do not answer our phones? She takes it personally and thinks that we are rejecting her. She couldn’t leave a voicemail because if we don’t return the call, it would mean she put herself on the line by leaving a message and not answering back means she is rejected. If she texted the kids - it would be the same fear of rejection. Why would she put herself in a vulnerable position and face rejection? It is too risky. Even though the dividends of actually speaking to my kids would fill her with joy, the fear of rejection is greater. She would rather feel lonely than rejected.

I know this fear of rejection is real because my mom is not the only one over the age of 70 who operates in this manner.  I have heard similar stories from multiple friends for years. For some reason, it finally hit me that I should try to do something about it. Instead of saying to my mom, “Mom, you’re the grown up, act like it.” Or “Mom, if you really want to know how the kids are doing, pick up the phone and call or text them.”  Nowadays, I am now more empathetic of her situation. 

Besides making a mental note NOT to be this way when I’m 70+ years old, I want to set myself up for success. What would cause older people to lose confidence in their role as a parent and/or grandparent? What has changed between my years as a young adult to the role I have now as a parent of teenagers? I’m still her daughter and she is still my mother.  The difference is that at this age, my mother feels that she has no identity anymore. She thinks she can’t help me because I’m a grown up with my own family and therefore she becomes small and she makes herself invisible. I know that my mom would rather be acknowledged and revered. Instead of thinking of her grandkids as their own separate people, she associates them as my children who are not calling or texting her. What a wasted opportunity for a grandparent. Why not embrace the fact that my kids are growing up and need her in their lives? Instead of leaving a legacy for the kids with her own words of wisdom and life experiences, my kids are looking to social media to form opinions and beliefs.  

I think “rejection fear” occurs because at a certain point in a parent’s life, they become empty-nesters. And although it’s great to have the freedom to do things without worrying about the kids, the “empty” is further impacted from the loneliness that they are already experiencing prior to reaching out to talk to a family member or friend. They have lost the battle before even trying.

I am going to share two totally different stories before giving the results of my “unofficial” research.

One story has the same tone as my description of rejection above - my aunt (not really an aunt but a very close family friend - Tita - because it is the Filipino term to call her), shared with me that she too lived together with her daughter and her kids. Tita said she could do nothing right so she stopped offering to help her. Instead, she just waited until she was told what to do. In turn, I told my Tita that my mom did the same thing. The story I shared with her was about my mom’s perception of me being “so particular” that after I had been running around all day long, I came home exhausted and my mom said, “I was going to do your laundry but I wasn’t sure if you would want me to do that.” I said, “Oh, of course, who wouldn’t want their laundry done for them?” My Tita said that she related because she would do the same thing.  I was dumbfounded; it wasn’t just my mom who thought this way. The more I compared my notes, the more I found that many parents of my friends are afraid of rejection.

Now on a completely different note - the next story I’m sharing is very cute and endearing.  My friend spoke to her grandmother twice a day, every single day for 20+ years. My friend would call her grandmother on the way to work and on the way home. Sometimes the conversations would be less than a minute long and other times much longer. She said when her grandmother died, she couldn’t drive the same route to work for almost 6 months. It pained her to realize that she couldn’t talk to her grandmother anymore. When my friend told me this story my heart sank and yet at the same time, it gave me hope that my kids can do this too.  Just a thoughtful pinch for their older family members. Twice a day is more than I think is realistic, even once a day is more than I can expect but just the pinch of a one minute conversation every week is very realistic. I believe that once the grandmothers gather their courage and there is momentum, the fear of rejection would slowly disappear. Maybe then, they would be the ones calling/texting the grandkids!

On to my unofficial research. I wanted to see how other older people managed their fear of rejection at this family friend’s  celebration so I observed mothers and their grown adult children. There were plenty of people to watch since there were over 300 people in attendance. First, I wanted to see how that same Tita mentioned above interact with her daughter, who is only four days older than me. I saw the fear of rejection when Tita asked her daughter if she wanted to take home some food from the party. It was as if my Tita was bracing herself for the “no”.  On the other hand, it was quite the opposite situation when I observed my other Tita, the 80 year celebrant, freely giving her opinions to her daughters, words of wisdom and compliments to all as loud and proud as she could. Steadfast in her matriarch role of her family, this other Tita was not controlled by the fear of rejection in any way. And yet there was a third situation that I observed that was exactly in the middle.  I watched a third Tita exhibit confidence in her abilities but in a much more quiet way than she used to back in the day. I wasn’t sure if her soft spoken nature is due to her Parkinson's or if she too has a fear of rejection so the dynamic of this Tita being the matriarch needed some extra observing. I wondered if she was quiet because she is so busy checking off her bucket list.  With this Tita and her disease, it is as if she is racing against time and therefore she is constantly traveling. She spends most of her “free” time making travel arrangements and posting her whereabouts on social media. Maybe she is just busy. Perhaps there is no fear of rejection but I do sense that she is lonely and I think that is why she fills her life with travel. 

Here are the Titas I mention in my post. Left to right: The celebrant, Tita Debbie, Tita Metty, Tita Jean and my mom, Lola.

Collectively, the three situations helped me to gain perspective. As I age, I have to remember that I must not lose my identity and I should embrace the roles that I choose to step into at different points in my life. I should avoid making myself smaller or trying to disappear  - awareness of this will help me conquer or stand up to the fear of rejection. I observed that when we have this fear of rejection, we not only hurt ourselves but we are not helping to shape the generations that follow us. The martyr syndrome or putting the burden on others to complete us is not healthy. Loneliness feeds the fear of rejection. 

 So I think making an effort is worth a shot. I will share my perspective with my kids and convey my thoughts in a way that gives them the power to decide between reaching out to their grandmothers or not. It is important for me to phrase things and shed light on situations in order to make this a win-win for both parties involved. In my opinion, I think it’s easier for a person to accept the role as a grandparent than it is to accept the role as mother of an adult who is also a mother. I will be working on a plan on how to bridge this gap between my mom and my kids. And just maybe once that level of confidence builds up within the grandmothers, the gap between my mom(s) and I will also disappear. 

Pinches,

Barb