As Father’s Day approaches, one of my besties, Reena, is preparing for her father to die soon. I have been listening to her as she shares very condensed versions of what she has been going thru. There are necessary steps, paperwork and procedures that must be taken care of and on top of that, she is coordinating “last” visits with her father’s community of friends. Reena sums it up by saying that it reminds her of planning a wedding.

For those of us who are married and went thru the process of planning a wedding, we know that there is a ridiculous amount of work that goes into one day. That one day of the wedding is not only the culmination of lots of work, it is also the starting point for the rest of our lives. This is the main reason why the processes, the amount of time and the thoughtfulness is all worth it.

Even though the event of moving into a new home is nowhere near the echelon of what Reena is going thru, I have also equated moving to wedding planning. Excuse my pun but there are so many moving parts to a move. Long before the move date, many details start accumulating and unfortunately, there are many things that cannot be done until hours right before the move. Similar to weddings, having a bunch of tasks hanging out in space until the actual move day, is so stressful.

I often joke that I am always late and many times I have borrowed the line, “I’ll be late to my own funeral.” When I reflect on how long this move is taking me, now fully aware, if I were to find out that I had six months to live, that joke would be a reality. My to-do lists these past months were unrealistic and very unattainable; they would have given even the most disciplined, focused person a run for their money. Six months is A LOT OF TIME for a move. The Type -A in me was able to declutter the way I wanted to declutter, think about how I wanted to close the chapter in this book, spend time assuring friends that we will always have each other, purge food from the pantry, get rid of things that no longer served us, leave our house for the next family the way I wanted to and reflect on how I would do things differently next time. If I had just picked up the kids and moved to Denver when my hub got his job in January, there would be no time to dot every "i” and cross every “t”. Our closure would have been abrupt. However, similar to planning for a loss of a loved one, there were days and weeks when every emotion possible came out of each of us on the daily.

When I think about the sudden death of my own father, I often wonder if I could have handled everything with grace if I was in Reena’s shoes. I believe that God gives me what I can handle and knows what I cannot. So by my dad dying the way that he did, I think I know the answer to that question. With that said, whenever I learn of someone having time to say goodbye to a loved one, I am jealous; I wish I had the time to say goodbye. Congruently, the emotional rollercoaster that one rides when faced with the passing of a loved one is not something that I envy at all. Twenty-one years later, I still cannot tell you which way is less painful.

Reena during happier times at my launch party July 2019.

So while Reena prepares for the inevitable, I thought she may need some of our mom friends to hold her up. I’m sharing what I wrote to the moms in case you or someone you know is going thru her same situation.

“Hello! We all knew this email would be coming but just wish it wasn’t today or anytime soon. Reena had to break the news to her dad yesterday that the cancer has spread and they would stop the cancer meds because it had gone too far. He will be on hospice soon, if not already. I asked her if she wanted prayers and positive juju because I wanted to respect her wishes, some need privacy. She welcomed it. This will be an emotional roller coaster for her in the coming weeks.
For those who are uncomfortable with situations like this, it’s perfectly normal to not know what to say. Just know, there is nothing you can say that would make her “more sad” or more “uncomfortable” with what she is dealing with. Be genuine with your prayer and/or positive messages. Just be there, whether you say anything or not, she will feel it.
I will update you as I get news. For now, we know the story of her mom and this situation is adding fuel to the fire. So as a family, they have multiple layers of shit going on. Make Reena laugh, make her cry, it’s all ok.
I know from personal experience, that the power of this group’s words, thoughts and support can change lives. Please reach out.”

All this talk about wedding planning and preparing for someone’s death and moving - obviously these three events are completely different. One event is sad because of loss, one event is happy because of unity and one is exactly in the middle. The comparisons that I am making between all three have to do with the amount of processes, the time and the thoughtfulness that go into each in order to produce the best possible outcome.

With the Wedding Season in full swing, Father’s Day in a few days and many families uprooting and moving to new cities, please remember that there are always people we know, at this given moment, who are saying goodbye for the last time to someone they love. Send them a thoughtful pinch - it could be a text, a prayer, a note, a book, a phone call. There is nothing that you can do to make this situation worse. But you can always bring hope, love and peace.

Pinches,

Barb