Apr 14

Apr 14 The 4 Week Window

I started to write this post a month ago - pre Shelter-in-Place days. Originally, the post was going to be about my observations about myself during a time of quarantine. Like a time capsule so that I could remember my thoughts years from now. In other words, the post was going to be about me, me and me. Fortunately, my friends pass along super funny memes and great news articles because in receiving these, it led me to an awareness of the new normal and I was able to grasp the “collective trauma” concept. So I realized that if I shared my time capsule with you, I wouldn’t be giving any new information because we are all going through this together. There would be no point in telling you something that you already know.

Or so I thought. I’m grateful that Frankie, one of my besties, shared a thoughtful pinch with me at the perfect time. It’s an article from Psychology Today written by Rebecca Schrag Hershberg Ph.D. Weeks prior to reading Parenting Right Now is Really Hard - And other obvious things that need to be said again and again (and again). , I was in a fog. Maybe it was a funk. Whatever it was, I really had a chip on my shoulder. Don’t get me wrong, I was embracing the pause and I was counting my blessings and happily drinking wine daily but there was something hanging over me. The author laments at the beginning of her article, that there is nothing new that she could say that would be mind-blowing during this pandemic. Nevertheless, she still took the time to say (write) these things out loud. And I’m glad that she did because her information validated the feelings that I had been experiencing for four weeks.

I don’t have a Ph.D but I thought it could be helpful if I went back to the original plan for a time capsule post during quarantine. Even if you have a great handle on what’s going on, all of us experience things differently. Similar to the Five Stages of Grief, we have been going thru phases during this pandemic and at different times. Here’s a look into my 4 week window:

Week 1 - The Nesting Phase. Admittedly, I blew off COVID-19 for a few weeks prior to the Shelter-in-Place order but when I realized the virus was coming quickly to our state, I began “nesting” as if I was a pregnant mom in her last trimester. I went from store to store like a maniac. The difference between me and a nesting pregnant woman is that she has a plan in place (which is why she’s nesting) and I was just running around like my hair was on fire. I abruptly stopped working because I was in fight or flight mode. Stocking up on food sounds basic but after the third day of grocery shopping, I came to a halt. I realized that I was buying blindly - things we ate but nothing cohesive in making a meal. In order to stock up while being mindful NOT to buy too much or too little, I cleaned out my food cabinets and fridge. This led to meal planning because buying a bunch of steak and having no idea when we’d eat them was tricky since my freezer was already stuffed. It took forever to check off “stock up” on my To-Do list.

Week 2 - The Binge Phase. I fell into the same mode that happens every time my family leaves for vacation. But instead of leaving for vacation, I prepped our lives for a stay-cation. I over think and prepare for things most wouldn’t even think about. I am the person who shows up to vacay super tired because I was running around for days prepping for it and at all costs but I’m so happy to be there. No matter how tired or how tempting, I won’t do anything fun until the bags are unpacked and things are set up for optimal ease. I don’t relax until everything on my list is checked off. Which is not unusual but even though my list looks easy, it doesn’t reflect that in order to accomplish one task, two or more other tasks need to be done first. (see Week #1 for stocking up on food). During this phase, I went on a 7-day binge of cleaning, organizing, sorting and purging. Since my kids were on Spring Break, they were on their devices close to 14 hours a day every day. Each day I swore that I was going to make time to read or hang out but I just couldn’t. In my mind, I thought that we’d only be home for two weeks and if I just powered thru my list, I would have a couple of days to enjoy the family and relax.

Week 3 - The Guilt Phase. Although it was very nice to see all the suggested “time filler” lists that went around on social media and the news, it stressed me out. I didn’t have a bunch of ample time to fill - I wasn’t bored at all. At this point, I didn’t even have time for Tiger King. I was still doing things around the house that I felt strongly about. I knew that if it wasn’t now, it was never going to get done. The guilt started to creep in because I was that person who had been saying for a couple of weeks, that I didn’t mind a mandatory quarantine. I had been craving down time for years and the universe was telling me that now was the time to meal plan, cook family dinners, Spring Clean, bake, binge watch a show, play board games with my kids, read books, read my People magazine, watch movies, look thru photo albums, soak in the bath tub, hand-letter with my daughter, walk outside - preferably around one of the two lakes that are less than 1 mile away from me. Well time flies and I whittled away those weeks working around the house. Surprisingly, I don’t regret cleaning and organizing because having order makes me happy. However, what I learned is that I don’t ever want to be in that position again. It took 3 full weeks to get to a point of relaxation. I learned that I need to be ahead of the game by constantly de-cluttering things (don’t wait for things to pile up) and delegating responsibility to others so that it doesn’t always fall on me. Another thing that I felt guilty about was the amount of time my kids spent on their devices. Apparently, they weren’t the only ones. I am grateful that my kids self-corrected the following week by going back to normal screen time usage.

Week 4 - The Discovery Phase. After weeks of not working, I woke up last Monday ready to get back to work in my home office. I felt confident and calm. My head was clear and for the first time in a long time, I wasn’t having nagging thoughts of getting stuff done around our house. These feelings were at the expense of not hanging out with the family 24/7, not reading a book and/or not taking long baths. It felt good to negotiate, look over contracts, have meetings and plan for the future of my company. By the time Frankie shared the Parenting Right Now is Really Hard article with me, I had an open mind and I was ready to receive the information. Sure enough, this article that didn’t have any mind-blowing information gave me the validation that I had been looking for all these weeks. It lifted the weight off my shoulders, labeled feelings and compartmentalized my thoughts. I am grateful that Rebecca Schrag Hershberg said them aloud.

I’m certain that my window for the next 4 weeks will continue to evolve - more feelings will need labels, more weight will creep back onto my shoulders and my unorganized thoughts will need compartmentalizing again. Just know that when we share these experiences, even if we put them in a time capsule for only our eyes to read, there will be impact. Once there is knowledge, there will be change.

Pinches,

Barb

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P.S. Just in case this becomes my time capsule entry I should include the goofy stuff too like: 1. I’m hyper aware of how many squares of toilet paper I use now. 2. I’m pretty sure I have adult ADHD because it takes a lot for me to stick to one task. 3. I’m a master at organizing my fridge so that the foods that should be eaten first are up front and I can fit so many things in both the freezer and fridge. 4. I plan out my outings so that I’m not driving around during the week - stacking my errands so that I’m only leaving the house a max of 3 times per week for less than an hour. 5. My reliance on beauty treatments is real. I have problems. 6. Wiping down the groceries with disinfectant before putting them away sucks. 7. The hub and I are binge watching Shameless and Ozark. 8. When I purged my bathroom cabinets - I was disappointed that I had stuff that was half used. Instead of throwing them out, I am using them. It’s not because I’m cheap. I already have a problem with putting things into the landfill empty. So I have a real problem filling the landfills with containers that have products inside. 9. I’m very glad that I love my home and where I live because we are here for another month! 10. I’m grateful that I’m not in a fox hole right now.