Even though mothers are not supposed to measure ourselves up against other mothers, we do it anyway. Comparing our motherly capabilities to others is something that we naturally do and I think it could do more good than harm; especially if we compare both sides. We can try to be like someone we admire - a mother who seems to have it altogether. And/or when my daughter is watching Dance Moms or Toddlers & Tiara’s and I catch a glimpse of those mothers, I can strive to be the opposite of who they are.

I googled the movie “Wild” because I was looking for a scene that has stuck with me ever since I saw it seven years ago. The movie stars Reese Witherspoon who portrayed Cheryl Strayed. While I was looking for the one line in the movie, I watched the video clip called “Happy” and it made me remember why I fell in love with the character that Laura Dern plays, Cheryl’s mother. I watched that movie with my mother and when we left the theater I remember wishing that I had a mother like Cheryl’s. I completely understood why Cheryl would walk 1,100 miles. I wish I had time to watch the movie again so that I could write down the exact line but the scene that I was looking for was when Cheryl was in the car with her mother and they were discussing books and authors. Laura Dern says something like, “I always knew you would be smarter than me and as a mother, that is what I hoped for. But I didn’t think you would shove it in my face.” This one line changed the way I looked at myself as a mother and more importantly, as a daughter. I am grateful that Cheryl Strayed included it in the movie because obviously, it made an impact on me.

In the same vein, my friend Christy Hanson shared a piece of advice with me. Years before her daughter was graduating from high school, Christy was told that as parents, we see our kids growing up fast and we want to slow things down so that our kids can stay young and dependent on us. Ironically, when they were young and dependent on us, we couldn’t wait until we didn’t have to cut up their grapes or hire a babysitter. When kids are old enough to drive and do their own things, we grip tighter and keep them close. However, the kids get old enough to see that there is a whole new world out there and they don’t want to look backwards, they only want to face forward. They don’t want to hear us holding onto the past, they want to begin their future. Understandably, this causes natural friction between the parent gripping tightly and the kids wanting to go out and see where they fit in. To recognize this and to come to this understanding is a game changer. My famous line that I say a lot in my house is, “You want to be independent. Trust me, I want you to be independent too. Help me, help you so that you can be prepared to leave here as soon as you can.” And even though saying this is realistic and it serves both parties involved, my hope is that they come back to visit us often.

Which leads this motherhood talk to my friend Julie Bonds. Although Julie is only 2-3 years older than me, her four children’s ages range from a grad student to daughters with two kids apiece. I consider her children model citizens who contribute to society in a great way. I give almost all of the credit to the parents because they are such great people and they raised their children in the best way possible. I am always asking Julie for tips because like most of us, when we see an “end result”, we want to know the secret in hopes to have a similar result ourselves. Since three of her children are female, I might have missed many dramatic, chaotic, stressful, messy days and nights when everyone was growing up. But what I see now is that all of Julie’s kids want to spend as much time as they can with her and their dad, Tom. It is sweet, strong and admirable. This family wants to be with each other ALL. THE. TIME. That is the end result that I pray for when my children are grown and have kids of their own.

Mothers are constantly taking notes - like the ones that I have shared above. We take measurements of what we will stand for and what we will not. And we are watching to see what other moms are doing for many different situations. We make educated decisions (or guesses) and each puzzle piece gets us closer to being the mom who we are supposed to be. Some moms will always think they know more than their kids, some will expect their kids to know more than them. Some moms are transparent, some keep everything close to the vest. Some moms won’t let their children go and some may let go too easily. Some moms are strict, some are lenient. Some moms are super involved, some have no idea what their kids are into. Some moms respect boundaries, some trample boundaries. Some moms have weird rules, some have rules but never enforce them. We learn from every mom that we encounter and the experiences mold us.

Most would say that spending time measuring ourselves up to other moms is not healthy or wise. However, just like I felt a pang of jealousy of Cheryl Strayed for having a great mom or my desire to take the exact steps as my friend Julie Bonds, we all do it and to fight nature isn’t good either. We have to know that there are too many factors as to why my apples will never match other moms’ apples. Hence, apples to oranges. We may be different in: values, nationalities, financial statuses, religions, husbands' or partners’ participation or influences, family structure, geographical locations, mental health, children’s birth orders, children’s learning differences, upbringing, cultures, responsibilities, political preferences, languages, friendships, career choices, communities, education levels, physical health… etc. - I can keep going.

It’s too much to expect mothers not to compare ourselves and it’s also very assuming to think that we consider all things equal. We know that we cannot exactly imitate another mother. We also know that we should never completely judge other mothers for being who they are. A mother can only do what we can with what we have. In the end, when I measure myself against the moms of Toddlers & Tiaras, what I am really doing is trying to live a life opposite them. And so even though comparing myself to others is not the most productive way to use my time, it does serve a purpose after all.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mamas!

Pinches,

Barb