Acts of Service - My Version

I’ll never forget, over fifteen years ago, I learned what a “light guy” was. I was at a luncheon with other execs’ wives and the topic of hanging Christmas lights came up. These wives explained - since all of our hubs worked crazy hours 7 days a week during the football season, it was hard to get them to do anything around the house. They advised me to hire someone if I needed to get anything done - and in this case, hanging up the outdoor Christmas lights. Well, since my dad was the ultimate handyman, it had never occurred to me that “light guys” were a thing. Fast forward to now - light guys are very common. They get paid a fortune because the season is short and the demand is high. I digress. This luncheon advice was an eye opener. I had been wondering why every time I asked the hub to do something handy it was like asking him to walk into a gas chamber! These wise wives said, “The sooner you realize that your husband has no energy or desire to do anything helpful around the house when he gets home, the better off your marriage will be.” And so the mantra began - “Hire someone.”

Now if you’re thinking I’m a celebrity with an endless budget and a huge bank account, I will stop you right there. I’m not. {yet}. The money that I spend on all the help that I need - my dream team - helps to keep my family from falling apart. If the hub worked regular business hours and was handy, then there wouldn’t be a need to hire help to do handy things. Well, that’s not what I signed up for so I hire help for everything. I have nannies, a housekeeper, tutors for my son with learning differences, handymen, lawn care, snow removal, painters, home designers, dry clean pick up and drop off service, bottled water delivery, compost pick up, recycling pick up, home organizer, business organizer, life coach, in-home computer help, window washers and gutter cleaners.

Excessive? Totally! But it all boils down to…

Love Languages. In order to better understand the people we love, knowing about love languages can be the deal breaker in any relationship. This pertains to kids, spouses, parents etc. I would bet a million dollars that if you asked my hub what he likes to do on his free time after work, he would answer: “Be at home with my family.” He absolutely chooses being home over being on a golf course or hanging out at a bar with his buddies or at the cabin or enjoying any hobby. My hub is such a fan of being home. That is largely in part because he’s free to enjoy himself whenever he is. He can go for a run or walk, he can play basketball with our son, ride bikes with the family, go on date nights, catch up on a 60 Minutes episode, he can talk on the phone, watch a game, take a nap. These are all the things he can’t do when he’s grinding away at work 16 hrs a day/7 days a week/6 consecutive months in a row. When he’s home from work he doesn’t have to worry about getting things done around the house and so home becomes his refuge - his safe haven.

It is because of the book The 5 Love Languages , that my hub has all the freedom he wants when he’s home. Even though I don’t know what his primary love language is, I am pretty sure he appreciates Acts of Service. The book describes someone who shows their love by DOING because “actions speak louder than words.” I have my own version of acts of service and it is more about “out of sight, out of mind”. For example, if my hub doesn’t have to see or know about any work that needs to get done around the house, then I’ve successfully shown my love thru acts of service. And even though my acts of service consists of mostly hired help, my version gives my whole family a thoughtful pinch every single day. Everybody wins if the work gets done at the time that you want it done. Now before you puke from imagining this perfect family - I will tell you it’s not all roses. Every time the hub finds out how much we pay for all this help, he isn’t happy. I just remind him that we can save money if he wants to help around the house.

For my son, I hire help with his learning differences and that is my thoughtful pinch to him. He has a math tutor and an Orton Gillingham specialist for his dyslexia and dysgraphia needs. I know my strengths but I know my weaknesses even better. Let’s just say, I couldn’t be a pre-school teacher for longer than 2 years. When it comes to helping my son overcome some major hurdles that I know nothing about, I enlist the help of specialists. This hired help, my version of acts of service, not only eliminates the blind leading the blind issue but we save a lot of family tension. He gains confidence with this additional support and I can feel confident knowing that we are all setting him up for success.

Ok, you’re wondering: is there anything I don’t hire for help? Plenty. But if I went thru the list of all the DIY things that I do, this post would be BORING! Or it would be like any other mom blog that celebrates all the great things moms do. We are all busy. We all need help. I don’t need a pat on the back. I also don’t want to come off as if I am bragging about all the help that I pay for (see Dream Team ). On the contrary, this is about me, fifteen years ago, listening to wives who have been there and done that. This is about me wanting others to be aware of what can make or break a family or weaken a marriage. I recently read that Linda Gates was sick of her family getting up from the table after dinner and leaving her all by herself to clean up. Apparently, Bill Gates doesn’t have someone to clean the kitchen after they finish eating. Linda decided that the family needed to stay after dinner to help her. This act of service, this one tweak in a daily routine, made Linda happy and she credits her family and marriage being stronger because of it. Obviously the Gates feel that there are better ways to spend their money - paying for help in the kitchen after dinner is not one of them. Since Linda Gates is another wise woman, I think I will learn from her experience as well.

It just goes to show that for every family there are appropriate times to hire a “light guy” (side note: my mom puts up our lights because she enjoys it and she won’t let me pay those crazy prices). You have to do what is right for your family. Hiring professionals to get the job done is my version of showing love by acts of service. My version may be very different from your version but hopefully we all end up with peace, love and sanity.

Pinches,

Barb