I Wish You Knew

Dear Dad,

A little over eighteen years ago I remember feeling nervous. I asked if I could call you “Dad” when I married your son. I was under the impression that you were a tough guy so I wasn’t sure what you would say. Since I had lost my own dad three years earlier, I was hoping that you would say yes. You said, “It would be an honor if you called me Dad.” I wish you knew how much that meant to me.

I can’t pinpoint when Dementia surfaced into your healthy life but I can recall spending many great Father’s Days with you. The kids and I were able to learn more about you each time you came to Minnesota for a Father’s Day visit. You would sing along with Grammy Jo as she played the ukulele; both as happy as can be. And you’d tell us stories about Germany and your football career. I wish you knew that I wanted our Father’s Day tradition to continue forever.

The other night, when George and I were at a Broncos’ event honoring Mike Shanahan’s induction into the Bronco’s Ring of Fame and Steve Atwater’s induction into the NFL Hall of Fame, I heard something that surprised me. Steve Atwater was concluding his re-lived Hall of Fame acceptance speech to us at this dinner in Denver and he told us that he was grateful that George was in charge of the Broncos now. Steve said he believed in George’s capabilities and was excited to see what he was going to do with the team. I was stunned at first. Wow, did Steve Atwater just bring up George at this important ceremony? And did everyone in the audience hear him say what I heard? After I realized that I was not dreaming about this speech, I was filled with pride for George. To be regarded so much that he would be mentioned in front of the many football greats in the room during a Hall of Famer’s speech, was a very surreal moment for me.

On the drive home from that event, I was thinking, if that was a surreal moment for me, I can only imagine how proud you and George’s mother would be. Then it hit me hard; you probably don’t know much about George and his new position for work. At what point did you stop knowing about George’s career? Did you know that he was an assistant GM for the Vikings? Did you know that he became the General Manager of the Broncos in January 2021? Do you know that he is on a first name basis with John Elway and Peyton Manning? I wish you knew all of these things.

My heart is heavy because I realized at that moment that you don’t know any of these things. It’s what most of us parents could ever hope for for our children. As George was moving up the ladder in his career, with each promotion, you would always say, “I’m so glad we sent him to Loyola. It was the best investment I ever made.” If you only knew where George was today, you would be over the moon about the return on your investment. I could just imagine your loud, hearty laugh if you found out that George was given John Elway’s big office. You would love knowing that George regularly shakes hands with many legendary head coaches for college and the NFL like Mike Shanahan. I wish you knew how special our whole family feels to watch the Broncos home games from a suite.

Dad, you were a great coach and very well-respected by so many. The impact you left on young men’s lives mattered. You loved your alma mater UCLA and you went to so many of your college’s sporting events. Your grandson, Robbie, was hopeful in following the lineage of UCLA football players in the Paton family and your other grandson, Eli, has a full scholarship to UCLA for baseball. I imagine how proud you would have been this weekend watching Beau play both football and hockey. He scored three touchdowns - two receiving as a tight end and one interception as a safety. Then hours later, Beau assisted two of his teammates for two hockey goals and scored one goal unassisted. I wish you knew what all five of your grandsons were doing right now.

I think the last you remembered about Bella was that she was a great swimmer, like Grammy Jo. Do you remember Grammy Jo would always give Bella some stroke tips and teach her how to swim? We wish that Bella could have continued with swimming as her sport but she now dedicates her time to ballet. If you could see her on stage, you would be impressed with her athleticism. I wish you knew that you have four talented grand daughters; three of them are dancers and one is a heck of a soccer player and track star.

Dad, I know that things are getting more difficult for you these days. I am praying for more peaceful moments and that you could live without fear. I am praying that you can feel my presence here with you even though you don’t know who I am anymore. I hope you come to us in our dreams and via many tiny life moments so that we know you never left us. It would be great to know that you are watching over all of us with pride. If you could please send George little thoughtful pinches from above whenever you can, I would really appreciate it. He’s done so much to get to where he is today and it all started because you took the time to throw the ball with him every day. You were his first coach ever.

When you see my dad, I hope you two can talk about the great job you did raising us. I know that in time, you will know all of the above because your mind will be clear and your heart will be open to receive it. For now, I wish you knew that I will miss you and I love you.

-barb