Last week, when we were on a trip, there was an opportunity for my daughter to choose a family member she would share a hotel room with. She chose her brother. After the initial shock, I was quite pleased that my children were getting along so well. Until I heard my daughter say, “If I stay with mom, it will be one lecture after another.” Ouch!

I quickly agreed with my daughter’s sentiment because she is right; I give one lecture after another. Case in point: In my family, we have a rule that the kids cannot be on their phones while I’m driving. The goal is to interact and have some device-free zones. Instead of conversations with my daughter, we drive in complete silence. Wasted opportunities which are truly a thorn in my side. I try to start conversations but get little to nowhere with her. And because this silence is so awkward for me, I fill the air with crap like lectures. In all fairness, it’s not always a lecture, but it’s instructions for an upcoming event or reiterating plans and carpool logistics. Basically, it’s me talking TO her and not WITH her and it sucks for both of us.

I haven’t been able to shake my daughter’s lecture comment out of my head and now that I am fully aware that I lecture daily I want to do something about it. I am someone who strives to have the best relationship with my kids and my husband and I hope to teach my kids without lecturing them all the time.

As much pride that I have in myself with my communication skills, when it comes to talking to family, I am the very worst. In doing a deeper dive, I have found that the root cause of the failure to communicate well with my family members starts with me assuming that they know my heart is in the right place. They DO NOT know this. This will be a work in progress but I need to fix that. Following that assumption, my delivery of information is very terse and I sound like a commander because I am usually running with my hair on fire so I don’t have time to flowery-phrase my thoughts. I need to make time to speak better to them. And my last observation about why communication within my family isn’t smooth is because my expectations are HIGH. Again, I make another assumption. Since I am busting my balls to do things for my family, I assume that they would do the same for me. Not always the case. In fact, never the case for my kids and it’s disappointing. I need to lower my expectations and build from the ground up. This will also be a work in progress but it will be worth it in the long run.

Unfortunately, my family thinks that I lecture them because I want to be right, to hear my own voice and/or because I’m trying to prove that I know more than they know. My intentions are to keep them safe, happy and well-informed. Since my words have been rarely received the way I intend them, I’m trying to figure out ways for my family to willingly listen to me. I am also aware that each member of my family is different and I need to treat them differently if I’m going to impart some of my pearls of wisdom. This is not a one-size fits all solution but some ideas include:

• Giving them thoughtful pinches so that they know I’m thinking of them.

• Getting their names tattooed on my arms to prove how much they mean to me.

• Sacrificing my own ambition or goals so that they can see that they are my top priority.

Which of those ideas do you think I will try? I’ve been walking on egg shells 24/7 all week and my brain hurts thinking about all the things I cannot say because I fear it will be received as a lecture.

I do believe that thoughtfulness can be a big part in many lectures and I hope that one day my children share with me something that I said that resonated with them and helped them stay safe, happy, healthy and/or sane.

Pinches,

Barb