Over the last week, I’ve been scrolling thru social media trying to find something other than anti-racism quotes by prominent black people posted by white people. Don’t get me wrong, I am so proud of my friends and family who are fighting for justice. Every quote they post is very meaningful. I am an over-thinker so posting as such is not me. My idea of helping out is to figure out a way to walk the walk so that I can talk the talk.

Here is what I know: I am not in law enforcement and I am not (nor have ever been) in the judicial system. I won’t pretend that I know how to obtain justice for any victim of any crime. I know that the majority of law enforcement keeps me safe and I can sleep each night knowing that I am protected. I am aware that this is definitely NOT the case for black people. Even if the person of color is a successful and predominant citizen in the community, there is always a little fear - no matter what - because fear is in their DNA. Injustice is in their {our} history. I try to educate myself by finding out who is being effected and who is being effective. I have had tough conversations that many avoid. Unfortunately, I find myself at a loss as to what I can do with my gathered information on racism. Do I peacefully protest? Do I join the police department? Do I write my congressman? If so, who specifically? Do I start hating cops? The answer to a broken system is to fix the system. I’m certainly not the only person who knows this and yet fixing it continues to be the missing link.

Obviously, this is why protests are plentiful these days. Many feel that the burden of this problem falls between the group of people who serve to protect us and those who carry decades of oppression. Although I’m grateful that many are exercising their basic rights to use their voices and gather in groups to make change, that is also not me. So where do I fit in among all this? Does this mean I am indifferent? Or maybe for me, the problem is so overwhelming it’s like tackling Goliath with an Instagram post or protester’s sign. Is it possible for our nation to take this enormous problem and break it down into smaller parts so that citizens like me can help? Give me small goals and I promise to do my best.

A few days ago, a quote was sent to one of my text groups consisting of moms who found connection because of school and COVID-19. Now that school is over, our connection continues because of the wrongful death of George Floyd. To me, this quote is considered a thoughtful pinch because ever since I read it, I haven’t been able to get it out of my mind.

This quote haunts me because I am constantly questioning my own label. Yes, I hold my purse tight if a group of black people walk towards me when I’m downtown dropping off my daughter for ballet. But I also hold my purse close when white people walk towards me too. This last statement is not enough to make me a non-racist. It just justifies that I fear my purse getting stolen. So then what am I? Am I non-racist, anti-racist, racist or extreme racist? Or again, am I indifferent? I have some non-black friends who claim that we are part of the problem if we continue to post pictures of our food or other events in our lives on social media instead of using this time and space to post about anti-racism. Statements like that give me anxiety.

On Friday, in a different mom text group chat, I shared that my hub was accosted in a coffee shop that morning because he was white. In reply, the mom of two black sons texted, “I am sorry. No one should ever be accosted for the color of their skin. White, black, brown - it should never be a reason.” I texted back, “Yes, exactly. That is what the protests are for and understandably so. Too many years of oppression and so my hub felt what many have felt for decades.” This coffee shop incident was most likely a black man “doing onto others as they have done onto him.” However, with the recent death of George Floyd, my hub knew this wasn’t a matter of getting even, this was about being hurt. Sadly, many black people have been experiencing this hurt every single day.

Finally on Saturday night I caught a Facebook post by a friend who started it off by saying, “I love black people. And I’m a racist.” Because this post said things that I was thinking but couldn’t articulate, I consider this another thoughtful pinch. I agreed with everything he wrote. For example, he refuses to consider himself the exception no matter how good his intentions may be. Also, just saying that he’s not racist is a typical white person’s defense. At the end of his post, he suggests to be honest with ourselves and each other.

For now, this is how I want to be involved in the fight against injustice. This is where I fit in. We all know it’s not a small step but I will take this exact small step towards fixing the system. Just imagine if each of us could be honest with ourselves and take responsibility for our prejudices. It’s not beyond reach. I believe it could happen especially if : 1. There are opportunities for us to apologize for our past and current mistakes about racism. There has to be space for this because if society continues to swallow us up every time we apologize for making racial mistakes, then no one wins; change doesn’t happen and no one moves forward. 2. Even though we need rapid change, I can’t control everyone - just myself. And that is big enough because although it is a slower process, this action will trickle down to my kids and that is how awareness grows and grows and grows.

Pinches,

Barb