Remember the days when it was proper etiquette to write thank you notes by a certain date after an event? Or the days when there was an appropriate time frame to reach out to someone who lost a loved one? Thank goodness for Emily Post! She shaped our nation by having all the answers to these social norms. To this day, long after Mrs. Post’s guidelines were popularly practiced, we still continue to measure our social behaviors against them. We regard these standards even though the “rules” of socially correct behavior are not like it was back in the day.

With that said, in addition to spreading thoughtfulness, the very existence of Thoughtful Pinch is to debunk the “Have To’s.” No offense to Mrs. Post; in fact, she is one of my heroes! But my goal is to empower everyone to be thoughtful on their own terms. We should feel supported in our thoughtful efforts regardless of when, how and why we do what we do. I thought it could be helpful or even inspiring if I shared my view on the topics of Thank You notes and sympathy gestures.

In regards to Thank You notes - I will repeat this over and over until I feel like I’m getting thru. It is never too late to say thank you for anything. One might be thinking, “What happens if the person passes away before we can say thank you?” My answer: Gratitude is a gesture that would not be wasted if it was shared with the family of the deceased. Here are a few other questions that I’ve been asked:

Q. Aren’t we expected to acknowledge that we received a gift? A. It’s thoughtful to let the gift giver know that the gift arrived because it saves worrying.

Q. Is it ok to say thank you with a text, email or call? A. Sure!

Q. Do most people expect a thank you card? A. Most likely, no one expects a card. On the flip side - few would get mad if they received one.

Q. Is it rude to send a thank you card a month late? How about 3 months late? A. Nope. I think receiving mail that is not a bill, junk or a catalog is welcomed anytime.

Now we are at the point where l am going to get technical. If it’s been awhile since you received the thoughtful pinch and you feel compelled to say thank you (whether in a card, text, email or voicemail) but you are not able to specifically mention what the gift is (maybe you forgot what it was) or you are not able to express how it made you feel (maybe you hated the gift), I think skipping a thank you is totally acceptable. Instead, I suggest putting your energy into showing gratitude in a different way. Are you more comfortable helping the gift giver with their yard work or going out for a drink to celebrate your friendship? When we express our thoughtfulness naturally, it’s a win-win for all parties involved.

In regards to the loss of a loved one - I have mentioned this before; I usually wait to reach out. Initially I will call or send a text but when it comes to sending a card or gift to them, it may be two or three months later because of two reasons:

1) Death is never meant to be convenient and so when I hear that someone has died, I’m usually knee deep in some sort of crisis. Although whatever I’m going thru is so minor compared to losing someone, it is still my fire to put out and so I’m pre-occupied. It takes time for me to process death and weeks may go by before it settles down. I am mindful of what I say when I send my sympathy because I lost my dad almost 20 years ago and I’m sensitive to that. Offering sympathy is just one occasion that multi-tasking doesn’t feel right to me. True fact: I have attended some funerals but sent the cards months later when I could focus.

2) I would rather send a note when I know that the person who is grieving the loss has entered into the “new normal” phase. After a loss, for the first few weeks we are surrounded and cared for by many, many loving family and friends. Most of us are in shock and we go thru the motions just to get our lives back under control. It’s usually around the second month that we feel like everyone has moved on and the person we lost is being forgotten. Our new normal life without our loved one is happening whether we want it to or not. This is when a card or reaching out is much appreciated. Not that flowers, cards, meals or anything immediately following the death is not appreciated - on the contrary, those gestures are VITAL in helping those of us who are grieving. What I’m saying is there is time to express your sympathy because there is no end time or statute of limitations as to when you can offer up your condolences.

We have arrived at another point where l will get technical again. If much time has passed and you still haven’t reached out to someone who lost a loved one, don’t give up. I truly believe that when we finally reach out, on that particular day, the person who misses their loved one will be happy that they have not been forgotten. It may sound like I watched The Sixth Sense too many times but I think we are being used to send the message to the griever that their loved one is still there for them. In other words, a random, out of the blue, sympathy card is totally ok. Another wonderful idea that I learned from my friend Christy is to reach out on special occasions. For example, the day before Mother’s Day this year, I reached out to my Godmother’s daughter. It was going to be her very first Mother’s Day without her mother who died from COVID-19 in March. I was planning to send her a card but in the meantime, I sent a simple text letting her know that I was thinking of her and I knew this Mother’s Day would be hard. I really felt her appreciation when she replied to my text. I’m sure she and so many others will feel the same way during the upcoming holiday season. Our grievers will miss their loved ones as they celebrate holidays, milestones, anniversaries etc. Just reach out no matter how much time has gone by.

The title Timing is {Not} Everything is a play on words. On one hand, timing is not everything because gone are the days when there was a two-week window to send a thank you card. Nowadays we send it any time! While on the other hand, timing is everything because sometimes receiving a sympathy card is very welcomed months after a loss. Or calling a griever on their lost loved one’s birthday is the most needed time to hear from us.

The “take aways” or “common denominators” between both of these socially correct behaviors are: 1. You do you. Make sure you are comfortable in the way that you say thank you or sympathize. 2. Stick with thoughtful ways that best fit your lifestyle and feelings. 3. Instead of worrying about the timing, concentrate on the sincerity. Timing of showing gratitude and sympathy are on your terms.

I wonder what Emily Post would say about the timing of my family sending out our teacher gifts this week. We are two weeks late for Teacher Appreciation Week (May 4-8) but we are a few days early for the last day of remote learning. I feel like the teachers would enjoy receiving a thank you gift on any day and I hope Mrs. Post would have agreed.

Pinches,

Barb