I have this feeling. So far, during this holiday season, I can’t decipher if it’s a feeling of guilt, anxiety or envy. Just so you know, I’m not looking for solutions. More importantly, I am not offering any solutions either. What I am looking for are awareness and validation. Let’s break it down.

Awareness #1. I avoided everything related to Christmas prior to Thanksgiving because I am so stubborn. In our home, Christmas music and decorations are not allowed until the day after the turkey is served. (GUILT) Christmas is on the same day every single year and just because Thanksgiving was late this year, I still should have prepared gifts for my family prior to Thanksgiving. (ANXIETY) I knew very well that the month of December, every year, consists of: my son’s birthday, my daughter’s Nutcracker season, Christmas, hockey tournaments, NFL games, out of town guests, evening parties, my daughter’s birthday and New Year’s Eve. I should have started earlier. (ENVY) So even though I am finished shopping, I still have to mail the gifts to family in CA, GA, FL and NC. It would be too easy if I could just cut the price tags off and mail the items. However, I sort, wrap, label, pack, address and then I mail them. I know all about the short cuts i.e send gift cards, order online and ship direct, pay for gift wrap etc. But I just can’t seem to roll that way.

Awareness #2. This year, we didn’t get our Christmas tree in our traditional way. (GUILT) I didn’t sit still long enough to look at a calendar to make time for this family tradition; an event that I love even though it is very basic. For 12 years we bought our tree from the same, over-priced but charming tree lot. Other traditions that we have in our family are Elf on the Shelf, an Advent wreath, displaying every framed Santa photo around the house, arranging all the Hallmark musical toys and using the Advent Calendar to count down the days till Christmas. None of those traditions are happening this year either. I am fully aware that for some years it’s not possible to accommodate every tradition. (ANXIETY) What scares me is that if we don’t have time for these traditions now, we probably won’t have time for them next year either. (ENVY) The other day, I heard about a family tradition on the radio. One night during the holiday season they set up the family room for a family sleepover. Everyone gets in their pajamas, they eat popcorn and watch Christmas movies all night until the last person falls asleep. As I listened to the DJ describe this tradition, I felt this pang of jealousy. It’s a very simple event yet it seems impossible for my family to do at this time.

Awareness #3. Secret Santas. Growing up, I loved this tradition with my girlfriends. Unbeknownst to me, when I started my career in advertising, everyone in my department knew who I had for my first office Secret Santa because I gave homemade cookies, left daily notes of encouragement on their desk and creatively wrapped little gifts (now known as thoughtful pinches). Apparently, no other secret santa did that. They just bought one gift that met the minimum dollar amount and gave it at the end of the week. (GUILT) My soon-to-be-teenage daughter is participating in Secret Santas for 3 groups - ballet, school advisory and besties. Their system is very half-ass and yet, I won’t take the time to tell her that a secret means - no one else knows. Instead, I just go along with buying the same stuff that my daughter will get right back: lip gloss, fuzzy socks, candy and bath bombs. Nowadays this fun tradition is just a gift registry. Her friends write down the items that they want after they all agree upon on a spending limit. No one really pays attention to the limit and everyone asks for the same things. (ANXIETY) I worry about the lack of creativity in both the giving and the receiving. I also feel like we’re buying stuff for the sake of buying stuff. (ENVY) I wish I didn’t care so much about thoughtfulness.

Awareness #4. Last one. There is so much more to Christmas. Even though I know this, (GUILT) I just can’t go there right now. I’m not sure if it’s because I want to do so much during such a compacted time of year. To go “there” would mean, sitting still. It would also mean not worrying about the mailing deadline before we have to pay $100 to send a $25 gift. It would also mean, spending less time finding creative gifts or wrapping them in a super nice way because Christmas is not about the gifts. (Anxiety) It would also mean that I would have to actually be the example for my children to follow - letting go of the bustle and just spiritually preparing for a special birthday. I’m not proud to admit this but that role is too big for me right now. The simple concept - Christ being born on 12/25 - is too simple for me. (ENVY) There are times when I see organizations during the holiday season trying to do good in the world by raising money and awareness for the less fortunate and I feel like quitting all the madness that I create for myself. I want join them. But I don’t. I’m half-assing it too. In other words, I know I don’t suck, but I also know I could do better.

The holidays bring out so many mixed feelings and emotions. Along with that, I am glad that awareness and validation soon follow. Do you know what follows after that? Thoughtfulness and gratitude.

Pinches,

Barb